September 2004

It's Your Backside Against Theirs!

And so it’s come to be! A brand new title for the new era of our ‘Uniquely Singapore’ (now you see how ungrammatical uniquely is). The title - Minister Mentor. Sounds almost saintly, like a supreme id. A master ego of our universe. But y’know, the honorable one is indeed inspiring. In a report on the Minister Mentor’s views on China (Straits Times, Aug. 17, ’04), the headline read – Political, economic reforms ‘need not go hand in hand’. The supreme one was quoted quoting Chinese leader Deng Xiaoping:: “If I have to shoot 200,000 students to save China for another 100 years of disorder, so be it.” It’s easy to mistake that quote as one coming from the supreme Mentor himself. So, I, being ‘paranoically’ Singaporean, can only deduce that the speech was so cleverly written that a blinder X’ Ho would have gone to town on a sorry mistake with the quote. Therefore, I have to congratulate myself for spotting all the little cat-&-mouse mind traps of unique mentors in this invisible OB-markers system. I hear some say – what a lame gripe that is. Well, not really. I do pride myself in being truly Singapore in being win-win about EVERYTHING!

Anyway, here’s why I find the supreme one inspiring. To borrow some words from that aforementioned quote, I’ll say this: If I have to shoot my mouth off at 20 balls-carriers of the Remaking Singapore agenda at the risk of sounding like a whiney cowardly nag, so be it! (Thank you, supreme one.)

Considering that my book The Attack Of The SM Space Encroachers has very quickly been rendered yesterday’s news (except for sweet ole Select Books and Disc Sonics, the shops don’t even bother to stock it anymore unless you place an order), I now say to myself – move with the times, X’! The big SM syndrome (referring to sng muay, of course) is so yesterday. For our Uniquely new climate, the emphasis should now be on… ta-da, the MM space encroachers – as in ‘money-minded’ (but of course!).

These days, we are bombarded everyday with the new PM’s proud new ‘reforms’ –“Raising junior is easier now”, “Big home grant to nudge older singles towards altar”, “Wishes met, now for baby no.2”, “Baby, baby”… So, baby-baby, me sick of reading all that in the papers? Of course not. I love it. Desperation signs clearly on the wall. How fabulous. Let those who don’t hear the Govt.’s call lament. For me, I rejoice.

“Post-1965 Singaporeans, who are they?” – the Straits Times asked on Aug. 21, ’04. I’d say they are the ones who believe it’s okay to jest as broadcasters on national radio that when you’re interested in a girl, you should ask her if she’s wearing white panties. And never mind that “masturbating each other’s egos” was said with figurative intent. It’s okay because we are “hip & funky”, aren’t we?

Let me elaborate by showing you my answers to a questionnaire some weekly freebie rag sent me about ‘self-censorship’; also because I trust they won’t be running my answers in full, if at all.

Self Censorship Questionnaire

(topic:)The new Prime Minister has encouraged us to “express diverse views, pursue unconventional ideas or simply be different.”

Question: Are you now more likely to speak your mind about public policies, and why?
X’Ho: Not any more or less than I usually do and only if I can find an angle to gripe and vent. I can’t imagine responding on cue (to the call to speak up) cos I’m not a digitized Singaporean. (See, even answering your question is an opportunity to gripe).

Question: Does this make you more comfortable about speaking your mind in letters to newspapers or your MP? Why?
X’Ho: I never waste my time writing to the papers about Singapore. They know what I’m all about. I’d write to MPs only about my HDB apartment. Anyway, why shouldn’t mere mortals feel comfortable since the new PM has given the green light? We’re about responding to auto-cues, remember?

Question: If you really said what you thought, are you afraid of a backlash?
X’Ho: I always say what I wanna say with one hand covering my backside. That way I get to say all that I wanna say. I’ve learned well from being born, raised and bruised here. And please, I’m not Sheikh Haikel (who was sacked from his deejaying job for making a ‘crude’ joke). I’m from the much older school that knows ‘hip-&-funky’ as an agenda. Hence, I’m proudly “clinically detached” (as one reporter described me) as a deejay. After all, I know all about invisible OB-markers. So, a backlash? They surely wouldn’t wish that on me or they’d get my gripes hurled back ten-fold in return.

Question: What signals does the government need to send to encourage people to speak up?
Question: Our government is a huge success. Naturally, just continue to send what it’s always been sending – be it 6-month bonuses or Singapore shares. Can the government here trip, fall or fail? The moon falling from the sky is more plausible – and I’m not being sarcastic.

Question: Do the OB markers need to be defined, and why?
X’Ho: Let me tell you, innocent one! A State Minister of ours once said, “OB-markers cannot be defined because it is not possible to define everything by law. If you try to define it precisely then others will play around that definition and say they are not doing anything wrong” (Straits Times, May 26, 1999). Now that we’ve gone ‘hip-&-funky’ these days, people will turn around and ask you like you’re some uptight alien from yester-space – OB markers? Where got? Yes, we’re that desperate now about getting people to “use their brain”, be creative and speak up again. Nonetheless, I’d say - unless you’re willing to fall into a Sheikh Haikel predicament, it’s better to be proud of being the yester-alien. It’s your backside against theirs. Poor Haikel. My sympathies to the guy though he hardly needs any. He’s a family man, and in our society that’s infinitely more welcomed than someone like me. So f#*!* (sic) on, Sheikh! (Well, is that what you guys would call self-censoring?).

As to why the big ‘backlash’ on those two poor ‘post-1965’ part-time deejays (the other being Jamie Tan) who uttered the off-color remarks on prime-time radio even as we are told to use our brains and even with a nationally declared ‘new open-ness’… I have a couple of age-old explanations: the Govt. has to be seen to act when someone complains. So, don’t you ever say the Govt. never listens to you or that it never acts on transgressions no matter how slight they may be, hor. It’s all about opportune accountability, especially to the people. Besides, may I remind all on behalf of our “sincere, honest and humble” new Big Brother that “the mainstream moral values of Singaporeans are conservative” (- a Singapore Police Force statement, ST, June 16, 2000).

Do you need another 100 justifications for the sack? I’ll be glad to go on. But since I’m already such a nag, I shall be churlish and win-win about it to stop at two explanations. With my pointy fingers always on the butt-pulse, I take it that two is quite enough for now, don’t you think! – X’ Ho